A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, “You know there are only nine words here? You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”
A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.
“To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.
He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.
“To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.
Again, he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.
The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says, “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ’Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ And she said, “Take a sweater…”
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothing”, said the 70-year old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year old, “eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says to the professor.
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean,” she whispers, “I would do ANYTHING!!”
He returns her gaze. “Anything,” he replies.
“Yes, anything,” she says.
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study??”